Golden Bowl recollections...

I wrote this over six years ago. I have no idea if it's still funny in the least.

---

One of the more entertaining facets of Chinese take-out would be, sans debate, the fortune cookie. In this case, Little Chinatown provided me with three of their better Golden Bowl confections. I have chewed and swallowed only one -- today after my Galaxy of Faux-Prawns Fried Rice, and I decided to make a purport.

"Romance comes into your life this year in a very unusual way." Hmm. Seems innocuous enough. And ambivalent enough to pass as a commonplace fortune. And while I know these brief missives of mystery slipped into the cookie mean nothing, I shall make a list of how I expect romance to enter my life in "unusual" ways.

--At a side-show, someone gets shot out of a cannon and collides with my abdomen. I wind up with severe internal bleeding and a crushed pancreas. In the pancreas trauma ward, I meet the future love of my life, a person who lost their pancreas when, in a bizarre bowling accident, they became trapped in the frame and got reset as a 4-pin. The hollow feelings in our guts are replaced with long nighttime conversations about the various flavors of jello and the pace of the intravenous drip.
--I witness a burning building on my way to work and decide to be a hero. Instead of finding people, I find a voodoo priestess in the back room sacrificing the structure to cleanse her family's spirits. Noticing my unscrupulous entrance into her life-sized altar, she casts upon me a spell, turning me into an anteater and casting me off the the Faeroe Islands where a confused seal becomes enamored with me.
--Due to circumstances beyond my control, I get forced out of my apartment and have to live in a stairwell. This stairwell is located in a building below a bluff. One fine day, a busload of Zen nuns flies off the bluff into the stairwell. I run for my life and run into a real estate broker who, because of circumstances beyond hir control, is faced with living in the stairwell in the opposite end of the building. Various puns about staircases ensue and true love doth blossom.
--I get reincarnated as a rabbit. Let the good times roll!
--Returning to my seat at a hockey game, I notice a large, brooding man has taken my seat. I decide to fight fire with uncomfortable gestures and I sit on his lap against his protestations. He flings me headfirst into the lower rows where I end up with my head stuck in a bucket of popcorn. I wander around for a while and realize I'm on the ice. I get viciously attacked by Per Sven Østergård, a very angry Nordic man thinking I was the opposing team's mascot. After he destroys my ability to feel things below my neck, he shows remorse by introducing me to his sister, Helga Svenska Østergård, who happens to also be a very angry Nordic man. But her daughter is neither angry nor a man.
--Working at the 7-11, I get held captive by a team of bitter sea lions wearing headsets. I flee and they chase me into the desert. I trip over a rock and prepare for a nasty tumble. A giant pteradon swoops me up and attempts to devour me whole, but after a struggle it drops me through the roof of a bowling alley where I land in the kids' ball crawl. Since the ball crawl is infested with scorpions, I make a break for it, noticing the sea lions are still closing in. I jump the fence around the bowling alley and end up in the backyard of one Renee Zellweger, who pumps my guts full of lead. I wake up three days later in the pancreas trauma ward where I meet the wardmate who was involved in a serious bowling accident the night before.